


Of Plans, and Complications Thereof

by SimplexityJane



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M, episode 97 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-23 01:01:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23003245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplexityJane/pseuds/SimplexityJane
Summary: You were not part of the plan.Good.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 14
Kudos: 176





	Of Plans, and Complications Thereof

_You were not part of the plan_ , Essek says, and Caleb would laugh, laugh until his ribs break and tears stream down his face, but he cannot. He _cannot_ laugh now, else the fragile thing blooming under his ribs will shatter into a million pieces.

It’s just… it’s funny, isn’t it, how he can see himself reflected so clearly in someone who looks nothing like him, who is supposedly older and perhaps wiser and who _should have known better_ than to hand over his life to the Assembly of all people. Who should have known, had the experience to know, that Ludinus Da’leth and Trent Ikithon and Vess DeRogna would see him as nothing more than a _tool_ to be used and then discarded.

But then, should _he_ not also have known, when the first traitor was put under his knife, that Trent meant to use him?

 _You were not part of the plan_ , Essek says, and Caleb’s first thought, the first thought he gives voice to, is _good_. Because gods know that this was never part of Caleb’s plan, that he never accounted for these people standing by his side, changing him, _helping him_ , loving him as he is. Because if Essek had accounted for it, had guarded his heart against them, then Caleb really would have to kill him. If Essek had been just a little colder, a little harder to change…

He sees Astrid, the woman she is, in his mind’s eye, sees Trent, sees Da’leth. If Essek were more like them, then Caleb might truly break into pieces.

Which was not part of _his_ plan. He thought it was just because Jester was _Jester_ that he had fallen, like an avalanche caused by a thousand tiny pebbles thrown at a cold mountain. But that was slow, snuck up on him in moments and gripped his heart in a cruel fist, because he is no fool, can see the way she looks (looked) at Fjord, the way Beau looks at her. He is too old, too broken, would drag her light into darkness if allowed, and so the love he feels for her hurts more than anything else. And he thought that was right, that was all he deserved – he was not made for love, not as she is, not as Veth is, and Beau and Yasha and Fjord and Caduceus all are.

Love is not for him, not anymore.

And it is awful, is it not, to realize that he has given his heart away just as it is cleaved in two? Awful and right.

Or so he thought, watching through eyes not his own while Essek spoke with Da’leth as a conspirator, his arm dropping to his side from where he had rested it on Beau’s stable shoulder. He could hardly breathe listening to them, to _him_ , reveal all of his worst, unspoken fears.

 _You should try friends_ , Essek said, and that has been a spar thrown out on stormy seas that Caleb has clung to for two days to hold on to his sanity. He does not know what he would have done, had Veth not dropped that old poison into his cup, had Jester not carted his still-floating form out of the party, had Caduceus not stopped him with a word. He does not know, and he does not care to know, for the first time in his life.

(He thinks he could have killed Essek, if he were forced. This, he does not care to know either.)

He looks at Essek, looks into a mirror into the past, and he offers _something_ , something that can never be redemption, no, but _something_ nonetheless. And Essek takes the hand offered, and for the first time in two days Caleb can breathe.

This was not part of the plan.

At first there had been no trust, suspicion in every interaction, though hidden as well as he could hide anything. Then came the _debts_ , a language Caleb understands and deals in often.

But then, somewhere between a favor and a hug in a tower, something shifted, and here he stands, now, brokenhearted and breathing, aching in a way that is different to all the love he has felt before. But this is a good ache, perhaps, a healing tear that perhaps will scar over and dull with time. A mark, one that he somehow has chosen to bear.

This was not part of the plan. And perhaps… perhaps that is good, too.

**Author's Note:**

> Anyway I saw a post that was like, "what if Caleb didn't realize he was in love with Essek until he saw him in the Assembly ship?" and I knew I had to write it.


End file.
